Just about like dementia . . . .

Sleep deprivation--one of about ten things that can make a person SEEM like he/she has dementia when he/she really doesn't--is my current nemesis.  Actually, studies have shown that prolonged sleep deprivation is actually linked to dementia, but I do not plan to be permanently sleep deprived, just temporarily and for a good cause.

Now that high school swim team practices have started, I wake up every weekday morning at 3:55 a.m. to help L get off to swim. On the days I work, I go back to bed and try to sleep until 5:55 a.m. but the quality of that sleep is very poor. Then, I WANT to go to sleep about 8 in the evenings but invariably I am kept from it until 10 or 11 p.m., primarily because the household (and the world at large) is not on the same schedule as I am. I can feel my brain go into hibernation mode about 8 pm but "the show must go on."  On days I do not work, I drive the carpool and wait while the kids practice. In the past, I've slept for about an hour and a half during the practice time, but this year, for some reason, I cannot seem to sleep. Plus, because during the past two weeks I have almost not been at home at all, chances for naps have been rare. (I had planned to draw a calendar and black out all the time I was gone from home the past two weeks to illustrate this point, but. . . . I was too busy to do that.)

The end of this week was particularly bad in the sleep deprivation department. On Thursday, I woke up at 3:55 a.m., was awake until about 1:30 a.m. (sorting the swim wear items into jumbo bags for each person's order), woke up at 3:55 a.m., was awake until about 10 or 10:30 p.m., woke at 5:00 a.m. (and immediately demanded of my almost sleeping husband, "What am I awake for now?!" because I couldn't remember).  I was able to take a two-hour nap in the afternoon and then went to bed about 10 p.m. last night. I am still tired today.

An article in the Deseret News, on Monday, October 29, 2012 (A5), about sleep deprivation and students stated: "We know that sleep deprivation can affect memory, creativity, verbal creativity and even things like judgment and motivation and being (engaged) in the classroom. . . . [W]hen you're sleepy, (being engaged) isn't going to happen."  This is all true.

The "engagement" issue happens regularly--I'll think of something I should do or would ordinarily want to do, and then think, "Oh well."

I find that when I'm tired, I talk a lot more (I've spent twenty-two years trying to be a quiet person like my husband's family--which hasn't really worked entirely anyway but this blows it all to heck).  I find that when I am overly tired, I don't really have a "governor" that tells me when to shut up or tells me what to avoid saying.  I already have what I call the ADHD "blurts" where I am pretty forthright and call it like I see it, and severe sleep deprivation just ramps that personality trait up.

I also find I cannot reason things through, so I make a lot of dumb errors--such as making errors at work. Luckily, errors in the library are not of the same caliber of errors as those errors in the law office or court room. I tried to drive to our practice pool instead of the swim meet pool on Saturday.  One morning, I tried to drive away with one girl just standing by the car--trying to open the van door when I thought she was closing it.  No harm, no foul--I caught myself in time to stop (I'm already known for driving away before they're fully IN the van, so this was a new low). I have called some people by the wrong names--repeatedly.  For example, I called Zach "Josh" two times inside of about a five-minute time period. I even called my children the wrong names--not sibling names as is common for mothers to do but random names.  I could not order my food and talk with my friend at the same time.  I have forgotten some things I had put on my calendar.

I can't come up with things when I'm put on the spot. I could not solve a problem with a particularly ornery person until I had had a few hours to sort things through (I did keep from blowing my stack, though). Over all, I find that I am not very productive, creative, or "engaged." I have trouble being motivated.  My judgment is strained.

For now, my main goal is just to keep going.  I expect to continue on this way--not expecting a whole lot of myself--until swim ends about mid-February.  

If I had not been a mother before I was a swim team carpool mother, I would not be able to do this.  Because I was a mother first, I know I can keep going, regardless of sleep or illness or dark of night or temporary derangement of mind.  In other words, I "keep going," but I am not very high functioning while I "keep going." So bear with me (and I'll try to bear with me, too).